KaleidoVision

Dungeons and Dragons:: Character Select

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 04:13:47 GMT

Preface: The following is from my DnD Gaming section of my former homepage. I will be uploading the character profiles as well.
Tags: DnD, 100Qs, Stat Sheet
Intro: In 2002, I made some completely amazing friends, and they roped me into playing Dungeons and Dragons. At first, I was a bit skeptical and felt a bit out of place with so many seasoned players, but they were kind enough to help get me hopelessly addicted to DnD. I haven't been able to play since I've moved to Japan, but I am priming the joints to get ready for when I move back next summer.

Dungeons and Dragons v3.5 Character Selection

{ THE BARD }

[ Kyrieah ]

{ THE CLERIC }

[ Magdalena ]

{ THE FIGHTER }

[ Olenka ]

{ THE MONK }	{ THE THIEF }

[ Xiaolian ]	[ Zoraya ]

The images are not my own, but are pixel dolls created with the eLouai Maker Candybar Doll v3.

Semester Project: Women in Popular Culture Scrapbook

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 17:42:33 GMT

Preface: This was my semester project for Women in Popular Culture. We were required to keep a journal and complete five response activities. You can see a very clear image of what my interests in university were based upon this project.

Scrapbook Entry One: "You are what you buy." Consider the importance of consumer products in you life. How do you respond to being told your identity is equivalent to the products you buy? Do you resist the motion? Do you communicate your sense of self to others through objects or as an object?

Response: I don't like the notion that I am what I buy based upon the consumerist perspective, but it does not necessarily mean I disagree with it. I purchase items that I like, and if that means that they are what define me to most people, so be it. Although, without taking the opportunity to acquaint oneself with me, one might be mislead by the clothes that I wear, the food that I eat or the music I listen to. The fantastically annoying concept of categories and labeling come into play here because judging the book by the cover, may lead to misinterpretations of the signs posted. Having a varied taste for the items that I consume, I can be called anything from a “trendy-preppy-Britney Spears-wannabe” to “angst-ridden-professional-wrestling-watching-white-trash.” Although someone used the term "MTV generation" to be nice.

If you think in terms of consumerism, then yes, consumer goods determine the "Haves" and the "Have Nots", and if you wanted to take the social appropriateness scale into consideration, things are what classify people, not people. My personal assembly of symbols through preferences partially expresses who I am, and I rely on my personality to do the rest of the talking. Things that define me:

Movie Preferences: Tomb Raider | Terminator 2 | Moulin Rouge | Final Fantasy | Chocolat | Steel Magnolias | Dogma

Television Programming: World Wrestling Federation | Survivor | Days of Our Lives | The Weakest Link | Powerpuff Girls

Music Selections: Fiona Apple | Tori Amos | No Doubt | Save Ferris | Aqua | u2 | Aerosmith | Kittie | *NSYNC

Video Games: Tomb Raider Series | Final Fantasy Series | Marvel vs. Capcom | Persona Series | Wild Arms Series

Scrapbook Entry Two: Which fantasy or fictional figures seemed to have had a concrete effect on you--on the way you think, or daydream or act? How have you used these figures in fantasies? What benefits have you gained? What are the downsides? Have tou ever wanted to be a femme-fatale? If yes, why and how do you see yourself? Describe, draw make a picture of 'you'. If not, what kind of alter ego have you fantasized for yourself-- describe, draw, make a picture of you?

Response: If I were to adopt an alternate lifestyle or persona it would be a more extreme lifestyle. If I were to live in an altered state of reality in which magic and mystery were options. Personal Specs would be as follows:

Name: Ryan Parrish Langley
Age: 20-something
Eyes: Either Violet or Green
Hair: Black with a blue tint or Strawberry Blonde with heavy reds (at least shoulder length, preferably longer
Height: 5 foot 7 inches (just three more is all I ask)
Weight: 120-130 (muscle weight, thin but trim) with an athletic yet feminine build
Skin complexion: Fair- it’s probably one of the few things that I wouldn't change.
Occupation: Bounty Hunter, FBI Agent, or Adventurer
Car: Something that runs, maybe something sporty. I was thinking possibly a 1967 Shelby GT500
Hobbies: Writing (and actually be good at it), Dancing (could come in handy if I were to become a secret agent), Martial Arts (multiple benefits in this arena).
Nationality: Something European and mysterious, but not English (it’s totally overrated). Fluency in multiple languages would solidify the rumors that my parents were wealthy travelers or well-known scholars. I think that I would lean towards being Italian or French. It would be hard to distinguish my true nationality because of my common American looks and mimicking of multiple dialects and accents.

Minor Details: I would have an apartment that would be comfy, but seldom used because of my heavy work schedule. I would naturally be smart, so there would be plenty of computer junk all over my place from a computer to a timed coffee maker. I would have a dog, a big one, probably a German shepherd or Labrador. I would have trained the dog in a foreign tongue and she and I would only know the commands necessary to make it attack. I think she would have a nice little black leather, spiked collar. She’s tough, like me but very sweet nonetheless. We’d be a pair of tough bitches together. She’d be my sidekick, but not a Lassie spin off. she would know her stuff and be able to hold her own.

Of course if I were to be a super heroine, I would need some sort of legitimate day job. Maybe a teacher or a police officer. I couldn’t be a bartender because all the bad guys usually have prime office hours after 11PM. Maybe I could have some super power, become invisible? how about something like the X-men. I wouldn’t want to be a mutant or anything. There is always the possibility that I could be half cyborg. As a result of a car crash or grisly accident part, half, or all of my body could be replaced. Like Robocop? How about by some ancient artifact like Witch Blade? Naturally, I would be considered a freak regardless, and cast out by many of my former friends and alienated from my family.

I could have an estate. Something large with plenty of room to train, work, and relax. I would have a minimal staff in order to maximize security. I would keep my immediate family near by, in case my house is under siege or blown up. It happens when you are someone important. I becoming invisible would come in handy when the paparazzi come around. If they are able to get past all the security measures on the estate, I could just suddenly disappear, making their job all the more difficult. I would do charity work. I would like my alternate persona to be big on education. Icon status is not necessary, but stressing the importance of education may come to the forefront. Maybe I could run a school. A training ground not for the rich, but the poor kids that normally get all the breaks of those with affluent lifestyles. I would straighten out the kids that need it, help them get on the right track.

I draw my inspiration from the following fictitious women... who I could be if I wasn’t me:

Name: Makibi, Kiyone
Series: Tenchi Muyo!
Occupation: Galaxy Police Officer
Justification: She commands a spaceship with a dimwitted blonde, Mihoshi. Normally, Kiyone is seen exacerbated beyond all belief. She is a top-notch officer in her division and doesn't instantly fall in love like Mihoshi does. She is a natural leader, who is graceful, sincere, and has better things to do with her time than to hopelessly chase boys. She thinks quickly and acts even swifter.

Name: Hououji, Fuu
Series: Magic Knight Rayearth
Occupation: Guardian of the Wind
Justification: Teleported to another world, Fuu's intellect and archery capabilities make her a moderate fighter. Although she is the shiest and most reserved out of her fighting crew, she is the first to fall in love. She, like Mercury, relies on her intellect to make up for her passive nature. She fights with a green broad sword and bow and arrows. She’s a prize winning archer from here she comes from.

Name: Lita (Amy Dumas)
Series: World Wrestling Federation
Occupation: Professional Wrestler
Justification: She flies through the air with the greatest of ease, and isn't afraid to fight anyone who challenges her to a fight. Size doesn't matter to this former Federation Women's Champ when it comes to fighting opponents. She doesn’t define herself with the normal WWF Diva (Bombshell) design. Her style reminds people “tomboys are sexy, too”. She plays bass guitar, has three tattoos, and likes to prove to men that anything they can do she can do better.

Name: Gally
Series: Battle Angel Alita
Occupation: Cyborg, Bounty Hunter
Justification: She is found in the junk pile and reassembled by Dr. Ido. With the body of you young girl, Gally, takes on the hunting profession, killing organ thieves with prices on their heads. She grows up rapidly learning about the fragility of life and the precious meaning of love. She brings truth to the idiom “Size doesn’t Matter!”

Name: Mizuno, Ami (aka Mercury)
Series: Sailor Moon
Occupation: Sailor Scout
Justification: Selected as one of the guardians of the Moon Princess, Sailor Mercury is also the princess of her own planet. Much like the Greek god, Mercury, Ami is gifted in intelligence and is swift in analytical thinking. She is the brains behind the guardians of the moon and is one of the original Sailor Scouts. She is shy, but isn’t afraid to remind her associates of the mission at hand. She is responsible and intellectual.

Name: Tenjou, Utena
Series: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Occupation: Student, Duelist
Justification: She is the one chosen to bring world revolution and she is only in high school. She defies convention in her school by wearing a modified version of the boys' uniform. She fights for the power of Dios and the assistance of the Rose Bride. She finds herself fighting battles of love, friendship, honor, and even of the self. Through her fights she finds out who she is and what her role in the Revolution is destined to be.

Name: Vincent, Rally
Series: Gunsmith Cats
Occupation: Bounty Hunter for Chicago P.D./ Owner of “Gunsmith Cats” Gun Shop
Justification: She's paid the nail the bad guys! Rally isn't graceful unless it comes to fighting. High heels are a definite no-no in her book, but pizza is mandatory for keeping in shape. She also drives a blue 1967 Shelby GT500 with white racing stripes. Reminding everyone that heels are not fun to run in and that you can be comfortable in a cotton tanktop and granny panties, are two things that make her normal like me.

Scrapbook Entry Three: As Vamp as she Wants to Be
Vamps continue to be popular figures today; find a contemporary vamp figure--either in advertising, film, music, or television--and write up an analysis of that figure that includes answers to the following questions: 1. What social or political anxieties do you see this figure negotiating for us--how does she serve to alleviate fear? How is sexuality at issue in this figure--what comment is the figure making about sex?

[image 1] She's strong. She physically dominates her opponents as Women's Champion in the World Wrestling Federation. She's currently taping a movie as Wonder Woman. She's posed for Playboy. She's feminine and a feminist. Her name is Chyna, 'The Ninth Wonder of the World". Chyna has developed from a cold, bitter bodyguard to the icon of female sportsmanship within the WWF. She was the first woman to compete is the Royal Rumble and the King of the Ring competitions--both traditionally designed for MEN ONLY. At 6'1", she is very muscular and is a brunette bombshell! She has held the Intercontinental Title and taken on some of the strongest men (most at +225 lbs) and defeated them.

[image 2] She's every patriarchs’ worst nightmare. She is sexy, intelligent, and fights (in and outside of the ring). Chyna has promoted the WWF's SmackDown Your Vote! Campaign that encouraged the average TV watcher to become educated about politics and get out to the polls and vote. She encourages her female fans to become active in seeking out equality in life. She is compared with Xena, the Warrior Princess, in the respect that she will fight to be treated as an equal. I respect her because she is the kind on woman I strive to be- strong and kind. They called her a freak when she started. They were scared. She's proven that even the "freaks" can be desirable and intelligent. She has also has her biography published--If They Only Knew. (I read the book. It was really great. If you are interested about learning about the Pro Wrestling business from a woman's perspective, this is the book to read).

[image 3] They fear her. They defuse that fear through her character on TV. They don't consider Chyna real because Chyna is fake just like "Professional Wrestling" is fake. She dresses like a dominatrix or Baywatch lifeguard. Her REAL name is Joanie--like that's scary. She can't be real. Her breasts aren't real. Isn't she on steroids? She's a freak. All muscle and no brains. She's all show. Just 'tits and ass'. She's a bodybuilder. She's a Playboy poser. She's a Diva? I thought Divas sang. She's in her underwear. She just like all the other pin up girlies out there. She's a bitch. She's a dyke. She's preternatural. They fear her, but they'd rather deny it by cutting into her. Her theme song says, "Don't treat me like a woman. Don't treat me like a man. Don't treat me like you know me. Just treat me for who I am." Chyna. Joanie. Whatever. She's amazing- and they know it.

[image 4] Okay, whenever speaking about the female body --or women in general-- sexuality will always be an issue. Chyna has a huge fan base. She is one of the few women to make a severe impact in the business, but not without her physical presence. She maybe be a rough and tumble girl, but she is a diamond in the rough. Yes, she has implants. Yes, she is a body builder. She's tan, buff, and normally her ring attire resembles a two piece bathing suit. That's her persona. Our society banks on beauty and outward appearances. Chyna is NO exception to the rule. Luckly she was able to expand the tight circle of twiggy, prissy, anorexic supermodels to include the "six foot freaks". I think she makes sexuality intimidating to men because she is confident, strong, and beautiful-- a lethal combination for most people. Her reasoning for doing Playboy was her declaration of independence--that all women are beautiful.

Works Cited
Laurer, Joanie Laurer, Michael Angelis (ed), and WWF Staff. Chyna: The 9th Wonder of the World: If they Only Knew. ReganBooks: New York 2001

World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. 2001

Scrapbook Entry Four: The Naked Truth about Me & Marilyn
Marilrn Monroe is often considered these days to be a "commodified object to be consumed." In her famous nude photograph, she is seen both offering and concealing her 'goods'. Out bodies are sold to us in a variety of ways. Can you think of a moment, or an event, or even a converation in which you felt your "body" became or felt like an object. Describe that moment. Give some contemporary examples of how the human body, male or female, is used as a commodity in the media.

The Scale | Weighing In Let's just call this installment "The Scale". I work with a group of guys. Whenever a group of them are all in the store at the same time--and the shift is passing slowly-- they resort to playing "The Scale". "The Scale" of course is a continuum used to rate girls based on her physical specifications-- as she is waiting in line to be served by our smiling crew. The main perpetrators in this ongoing spree are "Tom" and "Jerry" (the names have been changed to protect them).

**The Scale**
Position	Description	Properties	Ideal Woman	Expression
10	Goddess	Can make you get off/wet without being naked. Perfect!	Angelina Jolie	"Am I in Heaven?"
9	Extremely Hot (Babe)	Almost Perfect!	Elizabeth Hurley	"Wow!"
8	Hot (Hottie)	You have wet dreams about her	Ashley Judd	"I’m Yours!"
7	Definitely Do-able (Cutie)	Someone you can actually date without being ashamed.	Carrie-Anne Moss (Matrix Chic)	"She’s Alright!"
6	Do-able	Makes you get off without trouble.	Drew Barrymore	"Why not?"
5	Barely Do-able	You can barely get off on this	Courtney Love	"If I have to!"
4	Mildly Drunk	You have to be mildly drunk and horny!	Molly Shannon ('Super Star')	"I only have five minutes!"
3	Drunk	You have to be drunk, very horny, & desperate!	Alanis Morrissett	"Is that your face or you ass?
2	Extremely Drunk	Shit-faced and extremely desperat	Melissa Etheridge	"UGH! Only because my hand hurts!"
1	Almost Unconscious	You don’t have a clue of what you are doing!	Courtney Wilson	Umm? What?
0	Unconscious	You’re being raped!	Kathy Kinney (Mimi, The Drew Carey Show’s 'Fat Lady')	Zzzzzz……
BELOW ZERO = They have to pay you and you do it only because you are unconscious!

They have no shame in providing the criticism since they don't know these women. They don't have the guts to even talk to them. They rate based upon obscene specifications that are completely unfair and unrealistic.

Since just about everyone in the store knew about the scale (having heard or read some version of it), I called "Jerry" on it. I told him since he has no problem rating women (who gave him the right, I do not know), I wanted to know where I landed on this continuum. I made myself the object to prove my point. When he looked at me in shock , I didn't back down from my question. I mean, since he had no problem rating girls he didn't know, I thought I was entitled to know what one of my supposed closest friends thought of me

"Come on, "Jerry" you have no problem rating them. I NEED to know! Am I worthy to be seen in public with you?

Silence.

"I have to be at least a five right? You can acknowledge me in public, right?"

"I don't rate girls I know."

I had gained the interested of some of the other girls in the crew. They understood how I felt about guys, especially ones that I knew, not only objectifying women, but placing numerical value on their looks. I know that I am not the only woman in that store that feels the bite of "The Scale". A couple of my girl friends-- "Thelma" and "Louise" are on the night crew with "Tom" and "Jerry". They listen to the ratings like a bad episode of Siskel and Ebert. The only problem is that they incorporate the other guys on the crew into it, also. "Thelma" and "Louise" are constantly forced to listen to the numbers and see the fauning boys even though, "Tom" and "Jerry" know it makes them uncomfortable.

I asked "Tom" what is the purpose of "The Scale". His basic response was one of the typical ignorant man. He didn't see any problem in what he was doing, even though it was making his female crew members uncomfortable. Did I mention that he was part of the management? Both "Tom" and "Jerry" are parts of the store leadership. Isn't that reassuring? I am glad that I am there only for a few hours a week. I am thankful that I am scheduled in the back room where I can be alone and away from "The Jury". I bet that "Tom" is a great guy, but the few times that I have interacted with him, I feel completely uncomfortable. "Jerry" didn't always be so straight forward with a scale. He's usually more tactful and shy. I don't know what spurred this change in him, but I don't like it.

I've been through this type of experience in the store before, and most of the guys jumped on my back about it. They think I've become a brain washed femi-nazi. It hurts when they call me that. They make me feel like I am not entitled to my own opinin or that what I think doesn't rate on "The Scale". There isn't room for smart women at that store. The smart ones are the intimidating ones. We're the ones who have opinions and aren't afraid to voice them. We endure the backlash, eventhough we are the ones being hurt. I thank "Thelma" and "Louise" for being there for me. They understand what it's like to be a strong willed woman. Sometimes that means being called a tomboy or a bitch, but they are still more beautiful than any of those woman on that stupid "Scale".

I mean is one this to pick out an occasional beautiful person and say "wow". Compliments on physical beauty are just part of our society. It's superficial, but sadly, it's human nature. According to our society, you either have it or you don't. Again, I bring up professional wrestling. Since, it's one of the few things I budget time for, it's what I know best.

The sports entertainment business utilizes both men and women in their promoting the sport of professional wrestling. Along with the sculpted bodies-- from years spent working out in the gym, playing other sports, modeling, or fitness shows-- many of the wrestlers showcased in the World Wrestling Federation have outstanding looks and charisma.Most of the clothing worn by the superstars are tight, flexible, very bright, and shiny. They are designed to make the person more visible on television, permit movement, accent the 'assets' of the performers, and generate the on screen personae of the superstars.

The pictures will link you to a short personal analysis of the character including: stage names, real names, homepages, finishing moves, and their character appeal to the crowd. The following WWF Superstars are not ranked in any order, and the photographs are all copyrighted by WWF.COM.

Jeff Hardy | Lita (Amy Dumas) | Matt Hardy | Molly Holly (Nora Greenwald) | Edge (Adam Copeland)
Trish Status | Chyna (Joanie Laurer) | The Rock (Dwayne Johnson):

*The links have been removed as most of these wrestlers are no longer with the company.

CleØpatrah’s Cyborg: Digital Identity and the New Writing Space

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 17:01:07 GMT

Preface: This was my senior project (independent study) with Dr. Stephanie Smith. Combining electronic media theories and creative writing spaces, I was able to do a research project that was stimulating, educational, and creative. Part of the experiment was with HTML formatting and electronic writing styles, meaning possible lax grammar ahead. Unfortunately, there is a large possibility that the rest of this project is lost (unless I have a back up or hard copy back in Florida).

Techno Diva: The beginnings of her summer thesis project:
Name: Cera Thompson
Log on: cleØpatrah
Age: 21

This is the experimental diaries of a techno-diva in her own mind. set in the possible future, she lives a normal life (according to her knowledge of normal, not by that of the acceptable social standards set by those around her). her passion for exploration partnered with her curiosity tend to shelter her from the outside world. she lives to exist without rules and although she may look sweet and innocent, she too has a dark side.

location:100.556.602.148

date: 04 July Independence Day.

so many years ago my alleged "forefathers" fought for the opportunity to live freely as independent citizens. they desired a place where all men were equal. all men... i always wondered why they never changed that stupid piece of paper. they amend and repeal just about everything else... except for that. i wonder what would have happened if the tables were turned. would i be in this prison they call college? would i be living to answer the beck and call of my teachers who day by day pour useless dribble into my ears forcing them to bleed every night. would i be this bitter? or would i be a uppity-up debutant living the so-called "good life"? nah, i don't this wool suits me. every morning. clockwork. why do i still go? maybe it's because i would be insanely bored otherwise. so i use them. they are the fodder for my research. it's not that top secret or original. i study sheep: patterns of social interaction, the psychology of stupidity. i guess they are the answers that are constantly alluding me. too much work for me. i prefer my big black boots, baggy jeans, and ugly shirts. its very utilitarian, my function before fashion approach to costuming. why bother with all that make-up and designer nonsense. to waste what little money i earn doing rebuilds on a new tube of lipshit. you must be kidding me.

07.03.01
My hands moved freely. My marionette strings dissipated. Liberation. Does it come that easily? I haven’t been able to move them for as long as I can remember. I guess anyone can use this technology as long as their mind is functioning. I really don’t use my hands for much else because the nurses take care of that. I’m just grateful that I still have my hands, even if I didn’t get to use them until now. I have feeling. I wonder what I could do with them? I love listening to music, perhaps I could learn to play an instrument. I read about playing instruments when I was younger, but I was told that it was an archaic sort of thing.

“People don’t play instruments anymore, dummy!” that was ryan. She never really cared much for anyone’s feelings except her own. Even when we were children she always made fun of everyone else. I just think that she was so completely bored that she had nothing better to do. Tristen would attempt to paint, but always without color. He was a master of the grayscale. Or so I was told. He put together a gallery showing that I actually got to attend. It was in the Neo-SoHovian Quadrant of the matrice. The absence of colors is what made his work so truly remarkable.

I was able to view them in 4-D through the new programming that MATHER (Matriachal Assembly Technological Hub’s Educational Resource) was experimenting with. I guess it really isn’t that bad being chemo-organically grown in a lab by a crazy A-sexual scientist who reveres themselves with the likes of Einstein, Freud, and Frankenstein. Two out of three existing geniuses. Freud really wasn’t all that bright. You would think that I would have been one of the sheep that I am forced to reckon with everyday. Nope. I’m what they call special. Or Freak. Or Mutant. I prefer the term work of art. So I am not perfect: the Neo-Utopian standard of perfect is exactly 5’6” with flawless complexion (regardless of color… that’s a BIG step), brown to black hair that is no longer than 14.2854682 inches and no shorter than 6.2584585 inches (for women), brown-eyed sheep. funny, you’d think with a new world order they would at least adopt a unitary measurement system, maybe that way the sheep would have to actually think less than they already do.

Cybernetics. You want to talk about an old, outdated term. They haven’t used CN tech since the World War Three and the conquest of the Euro-Asiatic continent. Some genius thought of the perfect plan to make computers think for themselves, without the emotional consciousness of humans. With the ability to destroy, they decided to basically exterminate the vermin on the planet. That would be us. I neuro-viewed a couple of old films while in my educational portion of my imprisonment here at MATHER. Some classic films such as The Matrix, The Terminator, and Star Wars. That’s what they thought of the future. Are you kidding me. They each have this one error that bugs me each time I watch them. There is a chose one. For all the Christians reviewing this logs, a Christ figure. I don’t know about you, but I consider myself a Faithist. I believe in a faith, but not single person to depend on. Giving those computers minds of their own was the sealing of any faith I had in authority.

Everyone thinks they are Christ or Hitler these days, even the computers! Neo from the Matrix- it only took him getting his ass completely kicked on multiple occasions to awaken the messiah from within. The Terminator- John Connor is held like up as the General who saves the world. I never understood how even after they blew up Cyberdyne Labs, was the world still in danger. All the traces of the SkyNet were destroyed, but I guess it takes someone a little looney to be prepared for the end of the world. Ah, and the Nazi poster child, Luke Skywalker. Much like Neo he doubts his destiny and is unaware of his past. Typical. He is raised on a farm by relatives, but manages to get the one lucky shot to destroy the DeathStar and then proceeds to slice his own father in half. I know that if my father was that crazy, I would have made sure he was on that stupid ship, my times more important, but I guess fly boy needed a second challenge. And why is it always a guy that has to save the world? Can’t us women get a shot at it? I would make a damn good messiah. Lady CleØpatrah has her own following in SoHovian. She is a celebrity there. People fear her, revere her, and challenge her, but much to their disappointment, they lose.

~Continue to Final Examination in CleØpatrah’s Digital Identity~
[ Possibly On a Backup in Florida. If not I'll be rather gutted...]

WORKS CITED
Cherny, Lynn. Wired Women: Gender and New Realities in Cyberspace.

Negroponte, Nicholas. Being Digital.

Sher, Gail. One Continuous Mistake: Four Noble Truths for Writers.

Springer, Claudia (ed.) Electronic Eros: Bodies and Desire in the Post Industrial Age.

Stone, Allequere Rose. The War of Desire and Technology at the Close of the Mechanical Age.

Vitanza, Victor J. CyberReader.

(Thank you, purchase history @ Amazon.com)

Lara Croft: Not just a Tomb Raider—A Digital Diva

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:43:55 GMT

Preface: This was my final exam for my LIT4535: Women in Pop Culture class with the brilliant and wonderful, Dr. Stephanie Smith. We need to select a female icon in modern society. I was the only student to select a fictional character. I am searching for the accompanying image files, so be please be patient. Without further ado...

**Lara Croft, Duchess of Saint Bridget**
Nationality:	British	D.O.B.:	14th of February 1967
Hometown:	Wimbledon, England	Marital Status:	Single
Blood Type:	AB Negative	Height:	5ft 9in
Weight:	115 lbs	Measurements:	34D-24-35
Hair:	Brown	Eyes:	Brown
Dress Size	8	Shoe Size:	7
Weapons:	Two 9mm Pistols

Image: Croft & Nukem NextGen (02/01)

Discoveries:

Ark of The Covenant
Atlantis Sciona
Dagger of Xian
Golden Mask of Tornarsuk,Meteorite
Tomb of Seth
Hand of Rathmore
The Nightmare Stone

Lara Croft has earned the title of the video game industry’s “favorite female sex symbol” (Russo 5), and raised questions about the representation of female sexuality and it’s pairing with violence in video games. She constantly walks the line between femme fatale and bombshell, making it difficult to tell which is more dangerous—her .9mm handguns or her body. Since her inception in 1995, Ms. Croft has been a questionable role model. Designed with a computer, her physical specifications are not that of the average woman. Her silhouette instantly becomes one of her most distinguishing features. Lara’s petite 34-25-35 hourglass figure supports her computer graphic (CG) D-cup sized breasts. Her long, brown hair remains pulled back in a whip-like braid reaching well past her waist. “There are two schools of thought when it comes to [Lara]. One is the fact that she is considered a sex symbol. The other is she represents a strong women in video games,” says video game analyst, Greg Rizier (Piece 21). The duplicity of the image of Lara has been the main question since the first Tomb Raider video game in 1995.

She has been called “The Bit Girl”, one of the most powerful women of the gaming empire. Lara lives her digital life in constant duality: feminist fatale versus bombshell pin-up. Her aggressive, adventurous attitude is toned down by her seductive appearances. She appears as a feminist role model, but she is so highly sexualized by those whom adore her that it makes it tough for her to find her niche. Despite of all the gun slinging, tomb pillaging, and enemy annihilation, Lara remain a product of the English aristocratic society that she is a product of. Her ability to trample through temples with the agility of a cat and the firepower of Rambo, makes Lara constantly fighting the societal demand proper womanly behavior and the desire for sex and violence. “On the negative side, her proportions are unrealistic, and her flawlessness can bring false hope to young girls seeking physical perfection…on the other hand, she is a paradigm of a strong female protagonist that is neither weak minded or physically feeble.” Roxanne Michaels (Pierce 21).

[ image 1]

Male gamers make the effort to look past the angular, boxy graphics, lame challenges, levels and levels of running with guns blazing, to spend hours working on their intimate relationship with Lara. They have the best seat in the house, a third person game perspective, leaving the game staring at Lara’s “backpack”. In all five of her games from Tomb Raider to Chronicles, Lara just can’t seem to avoid glove fitted clothing. From wet suits to ski suits, camouflage to khaki, her wardrobe has one consistency—tight enough to show off her hourglass figure. The only things loose on Lara are her guns, pajama pants, and her stray bangs. Patriarchal structure sets up the difficulty in analyzing Lara. She can plow her way through military compounds blasting everything in sight yet still remember all the manners she was taught in finishing school. Lara speaks perfect English with absolutely no profanity and hardly any slang. She may be intelligent, but gamer stuck watching all the action from behind Lara would not necessarily focus on brains before beauty. She may be a cunning, agile huntress loaded down with artillery, but she still comes with pouty, red lips, a heaving bosom that would get stuck in any tight squeeze, and more visible skin than material coverage on her body.

Questions of Lara’s sexuality have arisen within her fan base. Although she uses her looks to her advantage, Lara always seems to be preoccupied with something other than men. They can beg all they want, but unless they are asking her to risk life and limb to search out some relic, there’s no luck with Lara. Her passion for adventure takes priority over all thoughts of marriage or personal relationships in general. None of the TR games end with Lara running in slow motion to a sappy Hollywood kiss. The concept of a powerful, rebellious female loner with a lack of interest in guys and a knack for guns can be seen as a feminist role model. Lara’s love for racy transportation and lust for adventure is transformed into a busty fantasy pin-up girl to avoid connotations of homosexuality. Eidos softens up Lara’s image with a curvaceous body and a traumatizing childhood that drives her to be different. She remains locked in the power of patriarchal thinking through the objectification of her dangerous digital curves.

Debates over her bytes and pieces in relationship to which Lara is the true form, falls along two main concepts of femininity: Ms. Croft as the feminist role model or Lara as the console jockey pin-up. The models that portray Lara Croft in advertisements and magazine are continuing to blur the line between fact and fabrication. “She's larger than life…” said Lara Croft model, Nell McAndrew, about her impression about Ms. Croft and the phenomenon surrounding her (TR Official Site). Their stylized look to bring Lara into the flesh forces them to put their own identities aside and become ‘The Tomb Raider Chicks’. The posing of these women as “The Bit Girl” herself, gives the impression that even though Lara is human, there are plenty of girls striving to be just like her. Competing with unrealistic images like that of international supermodels or performers like Britney Spears places a great deal of pressure on the female sex. The increased economic and societal expectation that women must constantly, tailor, paint, and redesign themselves in images that are “preferred” raises the stakes for women.

[ image 2 ]

The people benefiting from the misery and playing on the insecurity of women are those marketing Lara’s look in fashion, and those of course responsible for the game empire in which Ms. Croft is queen. Publications such as FHM (For Him Magazine) and Playboy have run interviews and pictorials of women who were formally been selected by Eidos to impersonate Lara Croft. Rhona Mitra and Nell McAndrew both have fleshed out Lara Croft on the pages of these men magazines for Lara fans and fetishists who just can’t seem to get enough. “As far as fans are concerned, she is a living, breathing embodiment of sensuality and adventure (Pierce 19).” They are aiding in the capitalization of a concept girl, turning this digital diva into the “Gen X Pin-up girl”. As a leader for women she represents independence from everyone, and does not rely on the affections of men to carry her from day to day. She does live a life of leisure as a descendant of British nobility and relies on the male gamers to fall into her trap of virtual seduction to sustain her financial empire. Without the Eidos Interactive design team designing TR games for several video game formats and all Lara-holics consuming, she wouldn’t exist—literally. She has her own fan club, multiple mailing lists, countless fan sites, and several books analyzing and praising her.

She’s lethal, loaded, and irresistible, but what does her posture say about her? Aside from her TR game stance, running with arms out and guns drawn, pictures of Lara posing suggest that she could be the new brand of supermodel, literally flat and two dimensional. In the books, Lara’s Book: Lara Croft and the Tomb Raider Phenomenon (Cohen 1998) and Lara Croft: The Art of Virtual Seduction (Ward 2000), the writers attempt to understand the Lara craze. Fans are presented with a digital woman with a history, a personality, and countless images of her reclining, squatting, gun brandishing, lunging, kneeling, or looking over her shoulder. The books admit that images present Lara brimming with sexuality—which show Lara’s figure clothed or strategically covered.

Maybe, like cartoon vixen, Jessica Rabbit, Lara, too is not bad, she’s “just drawn that way.” Lara Croft balances herself on a tightrope, teetering back and forth, with feminist icon on one side and sexual goddess on the other. She has characteristics that support and refute either side of the issue. I respect Lara for jumping out of the game console and taking multimedia by storm. She is sexualized only because the heterosexual constraints of patriarchal society forced her to be tamed. She strikes fear into the hearts of men because she is strong, intelligent, and does not require the assistance of men for her success. Lara Croft cannot escape the fact that she was designed by men and mainly marketed by men. They may build shrines in their bedrooms, but it only proves that she is worthy for respect. Her looks certainly helped her and the CG divas modeled after her—Aya Brea (Parasyte Eve), Jill Valentine (Resident Evil Series), and Oni—but her ability to strike popularity between male and female gamers places her higher on the totem pole than gaming gods Duke Nukem, Mega Man, and even those blasted Mario Brothers. As feminist, femme fatale, digital diva, bombshell, even the girl next door, Lara Croft is just like any other girl, too complicated to stick in just one category. She’s just Lara—take her or leave her—she does not really care.

[ image 3 ]

WORKS CITED

Cohen, Marc. Lara Croft: The Art of Virtual Seduction. New York: Prima Publishing (2000)

Visions of Lara Croft. (Images courtesy of)

Pierce, Scott. Femme Fatale Magazine. “Tomb Raider—The Game: Lara Croft” July/August 2001, pp19-21

Russo, Thomas. Next Generation Magazine. “Games Grow Up: But is the Rest of the World Ready?” Vol 3 02/01. pp5; 54-59.

Mc Andrew, Nell. Interview. Tomb Raider Official Site.

Ward, Kip. Lara’s Book—Lara Croft and The Tomb Raider Phenomenon. New York: Prima Publishing (1998).

Technological Black Thumb: Confessions of a Tech Junkie

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:30:17 GMT

Preface: Originally posted on my Bactroid.net user account, many, many moons ago. About my Love-Hate-Hate-HATE relationship with technology and how at times, it seems I need an intervention...

Introduction: When it comes to electronics, my “inner guy” (1) comes out to play like a desperate and lonely, fan boy demanding some sort of emotional release. My passion for gadgets, gizmos, consoles, and all other things that are shiny, has over the years branded me as someone who has a “14 year old boy trapped in a woman’s body.” I’m the kind of girl who prefers to pass on makeup and pretty clothes and dives head long, straight into the electronics section of any store she encounters. (2) I love electronics, but unfortunately, the relationship is extremely one sided.

I can spend hours pacing the aisles of an electronics store, dreaming about all the things I could do with a flat panel computer with TV capabilities and a DVD re-writer or a digital camera that can do everything from taking movies to opening garage doors. Stalk through electronic stores, keeping a mental wish list, but I seldom commit anything to paper. Paper notes or research comes only after the initial stages of infatuation and lust pass and I am prepared for a commitment. Doing such things is like preparing to move in with someone, you don’t do it unless you are absolutely certain that you can tolerate facing that thing every damn day.

Things always look so simple when you have a “techie” sits there, holds your hand, and walks you through the operating procedures of the smooth, sexy technology, but it when I finally drop the funds on the purchase and take it home that the trouble starts. The magic forged with the “techie” vanishes instantly, like a mirage. All the simple instructions are thrown to the wind and a hefty manual takes its place. The holy book of knowledge is full of strange, undecipherable symbols and complex diagrams. It’s a language unto itself and without a proficiency in technological jargon, playing with new toys becomes an epic battle of me against technology. However, unlike David who threw rocks at Goliath, I would sooner be stoned myself then to put so much as a scratch on any of my technology. (3)

I’m the biggest sucker for computers. Since I was a high school student, I’ve had four different computers, and with the exception of Abyssinian 2.0, every last one of them has required me to summon the grand powers, and thy name is “tech support”. I hate calling for tech support because 95% of my experiences with tech support involve some punk ass jerk who thinks he’s the gods’ gift to computer problem solving and has an extreme chip on his shoulder when dealing with inexperienced users. (4) I try my best to refrain from making computer purchases online because I want to play around with my prey until I find it’s sufficient to go for the kill and bring it home. I like to research the company and see what support and service they can give me before I take the plunge. There are two places that I recommend over any other for buying electronics, Best Buy (with the best in-store service team) and Apple (the only company to date that I have purchased from online and had absolutely zero problems with).

The performance plans are what really get me. If I purchase the MORE expensive, we’ll send a person to your home or office to fix it, that’s all I can do. I can’t sit there on the phone with a disgruntled techie and have them help me or ask for new parts. I have to sit and wait for some guy to come to my house and spend at least an hour trying all the things that I tried myself to make it work, and have him turn around and say, “Yep, it’s broken. We’ll need to send her off and get the replacement parts.” (5) I don’t even want to go into detail about how much time I spend fighting with this company’s customer service lackeys, but for a company that toots their own horn about their customer satisfaction ratings, I couldn’t have been more disappointed.

My picks for my electronics purchases as mentioned above are Best Buy and Apple. This is primarily in part to my multiple summonings of their “techies”. With Best Buy, I bring my ailing, dying, or dead equipment in and the nice “techie” (6) goes out of their way to help me, including explaining EVERYTHING that needs to be done or will be done in plain English. They are a class unto any other. Primarily because they realize that the average computer user is not an elite computer programmer, which novices like me can really appreciate. I also have to thank my parents for encouraging me to be the good little girl scout that I was raised to be and “always be prepared”. Prepare for the worst, and you’ll never be too disappointed, right?

In June, I purchased a third generation iPod from Apple, and no sooner did I bring it back to Japan in August, it died after only being here two weeks. Naturally, I purchased Apple Care, but I was terrified that I would have to pay an arm, a leg, and several internal organs to ship it back to the US for servicing. I was also afraid of calling technical support here in Japan, for fear that their “English assistance” would be more frustration than its worth. When I finally got the nerve to call, just in the off chance I could ship to Apple Japan in Chiba Prefecture, I was amazed not only by the response time of their “techie” but by the individual’s ability to help troubleshoot the error on the phone in flawless, natural English. Within 20 minutes, not only was my issue with the dead iPod (7) resolved, but I hung up the phone feeling completely relieved. It was the most painless phone call made to a customer service support center that I have ever made.

I honestly don’t know what I keep doing to make all the technology around me act ridiculous. I consider it my latent mutant ability to be able to break machines just my attempting to use them correctly. I sometimes feel like I rely too heavily upon my more knowledgeable and tech-savvy friends to help me cope with my technological ineptitude, but honestly, I swear that machines really hate me. From my PCs to my 2002 VW Turbo Beetle that bit the dust a couple of months after purchase (8), I just can’t win when it comes to machines. Why must this love be so one sided?

Notes

(1)   I’d recommend everyone reading Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys to understand where this sexist, but amusing analysis came from.

(2)   Perhaps if I were more confident in my looks and could lose the remaining weight I need to feel pretty, I’d invest more money into such things. However, until I can fit into Japanese sizes that are NOT in the “LARGE SIZES” area, I’m abstaining from big clothing purchases, especially since clothes are so damn pricey.

(3)   It’s also counter productive to the trying to get the damn thing to work challenge if I go and break it.

(4)   Dude, I’m never ever buying a Dell again.

(5)   See note 4.

(6)   I’ve never met a Best Buy “techie” that I didn’t like.

(7)   An internal error that forced the iPod to begin ignoring the FireWire connection, thus preventing it from being synched with my PC or allowing the battery to charge began in early August, when I used the iPod updater to download the latest software patch.

(8)   There was a problem with the Turbo chip and the automatic transmission that caused a timing error when shifting from third to fourth gear. The shop called my car “The Anomaly” because it was brought in three times until a national recall on the engine parts started. It killed me to part with that car, but it was for the best.

Who’s That Girl?: “Bizarro Karen” & the Japanese Makeover

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:19:43 GMT

Preface: I unearthed this unpublished article (to my knowledge) earlier this evening. It's unpolished, but reading it made me feel rather nostalgic. I have since received a new alien registration card and driver's license, so the pictures now match. :)

Introduction: Two years ago, when I came to Japan, I didn’t realize how much I would change. In the course of weeks, I began making changes, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and professionally. In my wallet, I have documented proof of these changes. My “Before” Picture” is chiseled in stone on my alien registration card, and my Japanese driver’s license (taken this past February) would be my “after shot”.

When I try to explain to people in Japan how much I have changed since moving here, the first thing I show them are my two forms of Japanese identification: my Alien Registration Card and my Japanese Driver’s License. People often think I have either miscalculated or am flat out lying when I say that I’ve lost over 50 pounds (22.5 kilograms) in the past two years. Often the first words I hear from them are 「嘘でしょう？別人ですよ！これは本物ですか？彼女は誰ですか？」which translated means “You’re lying, right? That’s another person! Is this card real? Who is that girl?”

Some people would say that I should refrain from showing something like a picture of a fifty pound heavier version of me. Some people would consider it shameful or that I was gloating about how much weight I have lost. What those individuals don’t understand is that my Japanese capability is not in the place it needs to be to express such things without body language or showing tangible evidence. What they also do not understand is how difficult it is to have gained so much weight that the body has a difficult time supporting it. Those who understand that its one of my ways of trying to communicate what I want to say often congratulate me on losing half a person.

Seeing the visible physical differences, immediately draws the same response from both sides? “How did you lose so much weight?” Those with a positive slant to my weight lose try to calculate my methods, while those with a less than positive response to it wonder if I became anorexic from seeing so many petite, rail thin Japanese women. I would be lying if I said that the size of Japanese women did not discourage me in the least; that I didn’t get repulsed at seeing my photograph especially when taken side by side with my new co-workers; that I wanted to go back to my home country where my build was considered “average” and not the middle range of the “Large Women’s” section at clothing stores.

I cried. I cried a lot. Then I realized that crying was not going to make any of the changes I desperately craved in my life.

Learning to “Live Without”

Upon my arrival in Japan, there were certain amenities that I quickly learned to live without. Two of the largest contributors to my weight increase in “Gains”-ville, were constant use of a car and easy access to multiple fast food establishments. Also, having a job that forces you to have a three beer at the end of the working day didn’t necessarily help either. Half of my social circle was circumvented, and all the “game day” style eating habits I had developed were eliminated. I was armed with train schedule and a 「ちゃりん」(a no frills, street bicycle with wire basket and tail rack; in English is would be a “clanker”) destined to take on the small town that was to become my new home.

Living in a small city does have its advantages. With all the necessities within a ten to fifteen minute bike ride, I was able to develop riding paths. Suddenly, I was twelve years old again. Peddling around on “The Beast” (Note) became not only a means of working out and transportation, but something that I began to take pleasure in again. My weekends turned into my thinking time. I’d wake up early (something my friends would consider blasphemy on non-working days), load up my essentials (music, wallet, sunglasses, etc), hop on The Beast, and start my day. The average I peddled around town was somewhere between 10-15 kilometers. This was not continuously, but it was just my beginning.

The largest commute that I had was going to and from school. I would hop on train with all my students and ride to and from school daily. The same thing was done when I would travel to Kurayoshi to visit my friend there or if I ventured to larger cities like Osaka or Tokyo. Though I didn’t mind taking the train, it was difficult being dependent upon public transport like this in the winter. Standing knee-deep in the snow with the biting winds of winter whipping me into submission is not an ideal situation for a Naturalized Floridian. (Note)

Living alone also forced me to forage and cook my own meals. I made healthier decisions (note) when it came to food shopping. The lunch goddesses at my school pampered me with balanced, healthy, Japanese style lunches. Breakfast was a little hit or miss, primarily due to my love for pastries and pre-packaged foods. I remembered to permit myself treats. Depriving me of them would only lead to binge eating—something I flirted with in the past. Portion sizes were also considerably smaller. My stomach naturally shrunk because I was now eating one-third the amount of food that I had been accustomed to in the past. This was hard at first because when I would finish a meal, I wanted to eat more. I realized that this was the chance I had hoped for, but it took great restraint (note). The weight quickly began to drop off. This was to my benefit but not without backlash.

The Downsides of Downsizing

My first visit back home from Japan was (for lack of better words) a colossal pain in the ass. Having spent five months in Japan, all my clothes no longer fit, my stomach had shrunk, and I was feeling better than I had in years. No sooner did I get off the plane, comments were made that I looked “sickly” and “frumpy” and questions regarding anorexia started coming my way. I would order foods I had craved for months and could eat less than half of what was on the plate. Most of the time, the size of the portions and the richness of the food made me nauseated. My body had actually rejected several expensive meals, causing me to throw up was little of the food I ate. My own parents were surprised at how much I had changed in the past five months. After the first few dinners together, they realized that when I said I couldn’t physically eat anymore, the subject was actually dropped.

Unlike most women, I hate clothing shopping. I hate having to spend my money on things that are going out of “season” before they are even put onto the shelves. I hate not only having to buy things like new suits, jeans, and blouses for work, but also things like underwear. I have lost count on the number of times I’ve walked into a lingerie retailer wanting to take the staff up on their “complimentary fitting” offer but chickened out at the last minute. It’s not that I am worried about having another woman seeing me topless in a professional client-retailer manner, it’s just things like these blasted stretch marks that I have developed that makes me shy to de-robe in front of strangers. At 26, I loathe the fact that my breasts sag like an old lady’s chest. Though I’ve lost weight on my top half, my bottom half is still “full figured”.

Yes, I’ve lost weight, but I still have body image issues. For example, my arms are too long and my bust too big for Japanese women’s dress blouses. However, American dress blouses are not appropriate for a Japanese working environment. Things like tailored seams and unbuttoned collars do not mesh well in a school where students are constantly lectured to tuck in their shirts and button up their collars. Skirt length is also an issue. I can buy a decent suit on sale back in the United States, but unless it’s tailored like Diana Scully’s sharp power suits from The X-Files, I’m going to look like a drinking districts “hostess” than I will a high school English teacher. The problem with Japanese suits, is that clothing is made for the waif-like Japanese figure and usually does not accommodate Western curvatures. My practical side wants to take a staple gun to my temple when I think of investing money in a Japanese suit that is way too expensive, even more expensive to alter, and is guaranteed not to fit me. This is one of the down sides to downsizing one’s weight, the constant need to buy new clothes.

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that I am reaching toward a size 8. Without Western clothing stores in my vicinity, I am reliant upon internet shopping and sizing “guesstimation”. I would not mind doing this so much if it did not cost internal organs to ship things from the US to Japan.

Putting on the “Game Face”

I was always the bargain shopper. It broke my heart seeing things like Cover Girl make up being sold at 300% mark up and seeing Max Factor being sold in premier department stores. I took one look at a 1,200 yen “bargain” eye liner, and audibly said to myself, “I can buy Clinique back home and have it shipped here for the same price.” I never thought I would have said that and actually meant it. The same thing went for skin and hair care products. The prices in Japan brought tears to my eyes. The formulae for Japanese products are engineered for Japanese hair and skin types not mine. My hair was in a constant state of oily and looking like I hadn’t washed it for days. My skin was clear for the first time, but it still did not feel clean to me. As if mom wasn’t busy enough back home, my whining about “needing” things from home added to her “to do” list.

At my previous job, I did not take extreme pride in my appearance—something that was constantly commented upon behind my back. I hardly ever wore makeup and seldom did any thing with my hair other than pull it back in ponytails or braids. I waxed my eyebrows when I felt like it and makeup was only for extremely important occasions. My clothing style was very boyish and casual. I never claimed to be fashionable, and barely making enough to survive on did not exactly help either. When I met the women at my school, I knew that I would need to change certain things about me so as to “blend in”. Everyone was dressed impeccably. No hairs out of place and everyone had their “game face” on. I only put my game face on for interviews and weddings, but here it was business standard. Also, working with men that had better groomed eyebrows was quite the incentive to get my act together, as well.

I thought I had officially lost my mind, as blow drying and styling my hair became part of my daily practice. I was going through makeup like water because I used it every day. I never understood why my sister kept so much makeup in her case. Suddenly it was all so clear to me. Use it every day, and one goes through makeup like toilet paper. My collection had expanded from “Karen Standard”—face powder, black eyeliner, and black mascara—to a box full of eye colors, lipsticks, liners as well as three kinds of nail clippers and four pairs of tweezers. I have enough makeup to give the best drag queens a run for their money, and enough gadgets to make MacGuyver blush. Evidently, it’s still not enough. I go through my basics the fastest. In desperate times, I have dropped the money of essentials (primarily eye liner and mascara) here in Japan.

My students call my eyelashes my strong point because they are “just like the ones in the magazines”. There have been countless times where I have been asked if they were real or where did I find such natural looking extensions. I have even had adventurous ones ask to touch them to prove they are real. They can’t believe that use mascara that is just coloring to make them match my dark eyebrows. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the comments, but the last thing I need is four aisles in a store with mascara that “plumps, extends, or volumizes” my lashes. If I make them any bigger, it will look like I have tarantulas on my face… and I hate spiders.

Summer has become a bit of a challenge where it’s just simpler to go with the “natural” look, but air conditioning permitting, I’ll slather on the game face. I even worry about it on the weekends. Tottori City is small, so I am bound to run into at least one student in town at any given point in the week. I am constantly checking my appearance, not that I am vain, but if I look like a train wreck and a student sees me then people begin worrying about my health condition. I am not keen on having everyone and their mother worrying about me when their own lives are to demanding. I have learned that it is okay to take care in one’s appearance. It only makes a person vain when they take to looking into mirrors and other shiny surfaces for recreation.

“You only love yourself”

I always learned that if one does not love oneself, they cannot expect others to. When I began to lose weight, I was actually terrified. I started smiling every morning at the pretty girl in the mirror. I started receiving compliments from my friends, co-workers, and students on my looks (Note). I started to regain some of the confidence that I had displaced years ago. I started to love myself again. It felt wrong, so completely wrong. Men my own age started to notice me, but their compliments scared me. Simple things like “your eyes are very beautiful” or “you have a really great smile” struck pain deep in my heart. I had been programmed believe that behavior was only acceptable from two men: my father and my significant other. One time, I felt so ashamed and even cried because I was so overwhelmed by genuine compliments from people I worked with, that my brain just shutdown. I knew then, that I had more work to do. I needed to begin my internal “image training” as well.

One of the first steps was coming clean with my school friends about everything that was going on in my life. In a culture where people maintain their “game faces” until they are home alone at night, I found it very difficult to find a way to express myself. It was an unpleasant experience at first, but in the end it was ultimately liberating. My friends understood why they would find me crying in the bathrooms or see me talking long walks around campus. Many of them were shocked to hear about harassing e-mails and horrible rumors being spread about me back home. They were able to see why I refused to accept any compliments or often shrank back at the flattery I was given. I always thought that the Japanese believed in “team playing” and “avoiding being noticed”, but once again, my friends don’t fit the stereotype in the least.

“Only way you are going to learn to accept it, is if you keep hearing it,” one of my friends told me. “No matter how much you say it isn’t true, you are beautiful.”

Returning to Florida, this re-discovered confidence clashed greatly with certain people. My close circle of friends was happy to see the “old Karen” back (or to meet the “new Karen”). My family was one of the forerunners of this faction as well. Like my friends in Japan, marveled at my success and were begging to know what my secrets were. They were as nurturing, supportive, and understanding of my situation. Unfortunately, the rival faction was lead by my (now ex-)husband, his family, and his social circle. Every possible crude accusation was thrown my way. My reasoning for making myself over was constantly questioned and I was treated like a criminal on trial. I was not guilty of single charge they tried to make against me. My only crimes were learning to love myself again, developing confidence, and rediscovering what it was to truly smile again. Last time I checked, those are traits parents want their children to have.

Under Construction Forever?

I have, as of yet, to reach my personal weight loss goal. I have reached the point where simply eating healthy and light exercise no longer impacts my weight loss. I have had to branch out and expand my forms of “image training” to include learning how to properly play tennis and cooking Japanese style cuisine. Though both of these new challenges are in the beginning stages-- I’m the overall worst player in the group and my cooking still for the most part is bland— they are small steps in the right direction for me. I have a weekly date to play tennis and I am slowly experimenting in the kitchen using a bilingual cookbook I recently purchased. I have other interests that I want to use to expand my fitness regime with, but until I get the hang of the first few tasks, I don’t want to explore other avenues yet. Will I be rolling around the sandy beaches in a bikini next summer? It’s on my list of things to work on, but I doubt it’ll happen by next summer.

The key to success is not only planning, but implementation. It’s good to have big dreams, but to make them come true, one needs to dismantle the picture and analyze the parts. Yes, it does take work; far from easy. It is possible to make your life over. I feel guilty because there are dozens of great pictures that I have taken in the past that I do not want to look at because of how I look in them. In that respect, I still have a bit of mental training to do. I need to look past the image in the picture and remember all the feelings tied to it. I honestly don’t think I will ever reach a place where I will have done everything possible to make myself perfect. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. It would take all the challenge out of life. I want to continually make myself over and improve the person who I am. That’s another goal. I better add that one to the list.

Notes

1. 別人(“Betsu Jin”) another [a different] person; This can be used to describe someone physically or psychologically.

2. “The Beast” received its name not for its glittery, metallic maroon color, but because it does not have a gear shift. It was sleek, sexy, and an utter beast to peddle uphill with; more so when the light was used—it’s peddle reliant for power not battery operated. Now, he’s oxidized, dirty, missing the tail reflector, the basket’s bent, and the tires are constantly going flat on me.

3. “Naturalized Floridian” – I was born and raised in upstate New Jersey before I was relocated to Florida at age ten. This was due to my father receiving a job transfer from Newark International Airport (NJ) to Miami International Airport (FL). Now reaching 26 years old, Florida has technically been my “home state” longer than New Jersey. I’m no longer to the snowy winters, but I am still unable to cope with hot, humid summers.

4. “Healthier decisions” comes from my previous Weight Watchers training where I learned to make “smart choices” when selecting foods. I was never fully able to implement what I learned when I lived in Gainesville due to my living arrangements and former employment.

5. Great Restraint: Especially when sitting in a fantastic café that has a glass case brimming over with mouth-watering desserts; all of equally orgasmic proportions.

6. Expensive Meals: This was something that my significant other was not particularly happy with.

7. Lingerie Retailer: My top pick is Victoria’s Secret for value, style, and practicality.

8. Clear Skin: This was in part to the lack of stress in my life and improved dining habits I developed.

9. On my looks: And this time it wasn’t only about my breast size.

10. イメージ・トレーニング (“imêji torêningu”) Image training; working specifically to improve one’s outer appearance through methods such as exercise, change of diet or fashion, or use of makeup. Also used in reference to sports as “working on ones performance” for example.

Recipe File 01

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:05:08 GMT

I am going to have to get creative with my cooking, more specifically, I need to learn how to cook proper meals. I am going to start tackling the file of recipes I have amassed over the years in an attempt to get in shape for summer time.

From Women'sHealth Magazine Online: Healthy Winter Soup Recipes | Vamp up Your Veggies

Healthy Winter Soups to Shake the Winter Blues

Beef Soup with Soba Noodles
Prep time: 10 minutes Cook time: 10 minutes

4 c low-sodium beef broth
3 c water
1 Tbsp soy sauce
6 oz frozen shaved beef sandwich steaks, cut into strips
1 tsp toasted sesame oil
6 oz dried soba noodles*
1/2 c scallions (all parts), slivered
1/2 c carrots, shredded
1/2 c fresh cilantro leaves
4 lime wedges
1 fresh hot red or green chili, thinly sliced, seeds removed

1. Bring a pot of water to boil over high heat.

2. Meanwhile, bring broth, water, and soy sauce to a simmer in another pot over high heat. Add beef and sesame oil; reduce heat to low.

3. Add noodles to first pot of boiling water. Cook, stirring, until al dente, about 4 minutes.

4. Divide noodles into 4 large soup bowls. Ladle beef and broth mixture over noodles. Garnish with scallions, carrots, cilantro, lime, and chili.

Makes 4 servings. Per serving: 294 calories, 3.7 g fat (0.5 g saturated), 589 mg sodium, 50 g carbs, 4 g fiber, 14 g protein

Bone up - Creamy Potato, Kale, and Leek Soup

This soup's thick, smooth texture usually comes from full-fat milk or, even worse, cheese and heavy cream. But we created a recipe you can gobble without guilt. By using 1 percent milk and mashing the potatoes, you get all that creamy goodness without all the fat. And you'll still score loads of bone-building calcium from both the milk and the leafy green kale.

Creamy Potato, Kale, and Leek Soup
Prep time: 5 minutes Cook time: 17 minutes

1 lb red potatoes, unpeeled
1 Tbsp canola oil
3 c (6 oz) kale, chopped and tightly packed
3 c leek, white and pale-green parts, chopped (2 medium leeks)
1/2 tsp salt
3 c 1 percent milk*
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
Ground black pepper

1. Cut potatoes into golf-ball-size pieces and place on a microwavable plate. Cover with waxed paper. Cook on high, rotating occasionally, until tender, about 6 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, in pot, heat oil for 1 minute over medium heat. Add kale, leek, and salt. Stir. Cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 5 minutes.

3. Add milk, potatoes, and nutmeg. Reduce heat to medium-low. With potato masher or back of a large spoon, smash potatoes into small chunks. Simmer until flavors blend, about 5 minutes. Sprinkle each serving with pepper to taste.

Makes 4 servings. Per serving: 254 calories, 6 g fat (1.5 g saturated), 413 mg sodium, 42 g carbs, 4 g fiber, 11 g protein

*Tip If you prefer your soup on the thinner side, add a half-cup more milk.

Happy Meal - Turkey, Barley, and Greens Soup

Ladle sunshine into dreary winter nights with this mood-lifting mix of lean protein (turkey) and soluble fiber (barley). Eaten together, they ensure that blood-sugar levels stay nice and steady, so you don't have a manic high followed by a six-story drop. Peppery mustard greens add a touch of spice and provide folate, which helps crank out more serotonin -- one of the brain chemicals that drive your joie de vivre.

Turkey, Barley, and Greens Soup
Prep time: 5 minutes Cook time: 20 minutes

1 Tbsp canola oil
1 c onion, chopped
1 c carrot, chopped
8 oz ground turkey breast
11/2 tsp poultry seasoning*
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
3/4 c quick-cooking barley
4 c fat-free reduced-sodium chicken broth
2 c water
2 c (4 oz) mustard greens, coarsely chopped

1. Heat oil in pot over medium heat. Add onion and carrot. Cover and sauté, stirring occasionally, until vegetables are lightly browned, about 5 minutes.

2. Increase heat to high and add turkey, poultry seasoning, salt to taste, and pepper. Sauté, breaking turkey into small chunks, until meat is no longer pink, about 3 minutes.

3. Add barley. Cook, stirring, for 2 minutes. Add broth and water. Bring to boil.

4. Reduce heat to simmer and add greens. Simmer until barley is cooked, about 10 minutes.

Makes 4 servings. Per serving: 267 calories, 5 g fat (0.5 g saturated), 520 mg sodium, 38 g carbs, 8 g fiber, 20 g protein

*Tip Poultry seasoning is a blend of dried herbs. Dried sage works just as well.

Skin So Soft - Wild Salmon Bisque
In addition to slathering on gallons of moisturizer to keep your skin from cracking Keith Richards style, dish up this velvety concoction at least once a week during winter. Vitamin A rich low-fat milk plumps up your skin's epithelial cells -- which, if you get a little low on the nutrient, can shrivel up, highlighting wrinkles and rough patches. Salmon is packed with omega-3s, which researchers have found also help keep skin healthy and prevent puffiness.

Wild Salmon Bisque
Prep time: 10 minutes Cook time: 10 minutes

1 Tbsp canola oil
3/4 c onion, finely chopped
1/2 c bottled roasted red pepper, drained and chopped
2 tsp herbes de Provence*
1/4 c flour
1/4 c cold water
5 c 1 percent milk
2 pouches (6 oz each) wild pink salmon
1/4 tsp Tabasco sauce
1/8 tsp salt
1/2 slice whole-wheat bread, toasted, cut into 1/4" cubes

1. Heat oil in saucepan over medium-low heat. Add onion, red pepper, and herbs. Sauté until softened, about 5 minutes.

2. In bowl, whisk flour and water until smooth. Gradually add 1 cup milk and whisk. Add mixture to saucepan with remaining 4 cups milk. Cook, stirring, until mixture bubbles and thickens.

3. Add salmon, Tabasco, and salt. Reduce heat to low. Simmer 5 minutes.

4. In a food processor or with a hand-held blender, process the soup into a coarse pure. Garnish with croutons.

Makes 4 servings. Per serving: 314 calories, 9.5 g fat (3 g saturated), 522 mg sodium, 27 g carbs, 1 g fiber, 29 g protein
*Tip Herbes de Provence is another blend, including dried rosemary, basil, sage, and thyme. If you have two or three of those on hand, you can use them instead.

Endless Energy - Southwest Bean Potage
Vegetarian meals can be super healthy, but they often wimp out when it comes to conquering hunger pangs and fueling you to function 18 hours a day. Not this baby! Pinto beans and pumpkin seeds explode with fiber (10 grams!) to keep your tummy happy. The soup's energy-boosting iron grants you superwoman-like powers (or at least helps keep you awake past 9). And loaded with vitamin C, red peppers allow your body to absorb more of that iron, for an extra jolt.

Southwest Bean Potage
Prep time: 5 minutes Cook time: 17 minutes

1 Tbsp sunflower oil
2 c onion and red bell pepper, chopped*
1 Tbsp garlic, minced
2 tsp ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 can (15 oz) pumpkin
1 can (15.5 oz) pinto beans, rinsed and drained
4 c fat-free reduced-sodium vegetable broth
2 c (2 ounces) baby-spinach leaves, shredded*
4 tsp chopped roasted pumpkin seeds
4 lime wedges or sherry vinegar (optional)

1. Heat oil in pot over medium heat. Add onion, pepper, garlic, cumin, and salt. Cover and sauté, stirring occasionally, until onion is softened, about 5 minutes.

2. Add pumpkin, pinto beans, and broth. Simmer 10 minutes to let flavors blend.

3. Stir in spinach. Cook 2 minutes to wilt. Sprinkle seeds on each serving. Serve with lime wedges or a few drops of vinegar to taste.

Makes 4 servings. Per serving: 231 calories, 7 g fat (1 g saturated), 724 mg sodium, 36 g carbs, 10 g fiber, 9 g protein

*Tip Using pre-cut onions and peppers from the frozen-food section or salad bar of your market and bagged spinach makes this recipe easy.

Vamp up Your Vegetables: Don't eat enough veggies? That's because they've never tasted so damn good

There's a reason "vegetable" also means "brain-dead." Most times, these nutritional powerhouses lull your taste buds into a coma. Which is probably why more than 70 percent of women can't bring themselves to swallow the recommended five servings a day. The problem isn't with the plants themselves, but how we serve 'em -- usually boiled or steamed, which translates into mushy and bland. But giving vegetables a tasty, surprising edge is easy. And don't worry: None of these quickie recipes involves any high-maintenance gourmet techniques.

Hot Poppers: You're craving something crispy and salty but know better than to scarf fries. Two fast fixes:

Spicy Sweet Potato Sticks
Peel 1 sweet potato and cut lengthwise into 3 or 4 pieces, then cut each piece lengthwise into finger-size slices. Add 1 tablespoon olive oil to a bowl and toss with potato to coat. Add a pinch of salt and pepper and 1 tablespoon chili powder blend, paprika, or chipotle steak seasoning. Toss again to coat. Spread potato sticks evenly on a baking sheet and roast at 400 degrees F for 30 minutes, turning them once halfway through. Makes 1 serving.

Crispy Cauliflower
Divide 1 head cauliflower into quarters. Chop each quarter into medium-size pieces and toss with 1 tablespoon olive oil. Make sure each piece is lightly coated. Add a pinch of salt and black pepper and sprinkle with 1 teaspoon cumin. Toss again to coat. Spread cauliflower evenly on a baking sheet and roast at 425 degrees F for 20 minutes, shaking the pan once or twice. Don't pile it up -- the more each piece touches the hot surface, the crispier it'll be. Makes 4 servings.

Licensed to Grill: High temps transform an unassuming little vegetable into a flashy side.

Mexican Corn
Pull most of husk off an ear of corn and discard, leaving a thin layer. Pull back remainder to remove silks but leave husk attached. Pour 1 teaspoon olive oil into your palm and rub into kernels. Then rub in teaspoon cumin mixed with a pinch of salt. Fold remaining husk back into place. Grill corn for 15 to 20 minutes, turning occasionally. You'll know it's done when kernels are golden with light brown grill marks. Makes 1 serving.

Grilled Greens
Rinse and dry 1 head red romaine lettuce and cut into quarters. Lightly drizzle each quarter with about 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place on a hot grill, cut side down. Close grill lid to give lettuce a smoky flavor. Let cook about 3 to 5 minutes or until cut sides are just beginning to wilt. Remove from grill, drizzle each quarter with another round of olive oil, and dust with 1 tablespoon freshly grated Parmesan. Makes 4 servings.

Leaf Boring Greens Behind: Iceberg is done, over, bye-bye. Reinvent your salad with inspired ingredients.

Blueberry Balsamic Salad
Rinse and chop 2 cups peppery greens, such as arugula or watercress, and place in a bowl. Add 1/3 cup rinsed and dried blueberries, 1/3 cup chopped cucumber, 1/4 cup chopped scallions, and 2 tablespoons crumbled salty cheese like feta or ricotta salata. Top with bottled balsamic vinaigrette. Makes 1 serving.

BLT Salad
Microwave a strip of precooked microwavable bacon, cool, and chop into bits. Place 2 cups rinsed and dried arugula in a large bowl. Add bacon and 2 seeded, chopped Roma tomatoes and toss until mixed. Make your own creamy dressing: In a small bowl, whisk together 1 tablespoon plain low-fat yogurt, 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard, 1 teaspoon olive oil, clove crushed garlic, and a pinch of salt and pepper. Makes 1 serving.

Dip Sticks: Carrots and celery beg to be slathered in creamy goodness. Ditch ranch dressing and try:

Spicy Guacamole
Chop 2 avocados and throw in a bowl with 1/4 cup diced red onion, 1/2 cup seeded and chopped tomato, 1/2 seeded and chopped jalapeno, 1 tablespoon chopped fresh cilantro, juice of 1 lime, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Mash mixture with a potato masher or a fork until it's the consistency you like. Makes 8 4-tablespoon servings.

Lemon-Fresh Hummus
Puree these ingredients in a blender or food processor: 2 cans rinsed and drained chickpeas, 2 cloves garlic, 2 tablespoons plain low-fat yogurt, 1 tablespoon sesame oil, 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley, 2 tablespoons lemon juice, 1/4 teaspoon lemon zest, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Makes 12 1/4-cup servings.

The Sweet Spot: The phrase "a little sugar goes a long way" is usually a load of BS. Not so with these two treats.

Baked Brown-Sugar Squash
Halve 2 acorn squash and scrape out seeds. Place cut side down on a baking sheet and roast at 375 degrees F for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and flip. Place 1 tablespoon butter inside each squash. Sprinkle with 1 tablespoon brown sugar and a dash of cinnamon. Return to oven, cut side up, and bake 20 minutes more. Makes 4 servings.

Honey-Glazed Cashew Carrots
Using a steamer basket, steam 1 cup baby carrots. When carrots are just done (about 4 minutes), remove from heat, drain, then return to pot along with 2 teaspoons honey, a pinch of salt, and 1 tablespoon chopped unsalted cashews per serving. Toss to coat. (The residual heat from cooking will melt the honey to form the glaze.) Makes 1 serving