When we were kids, Christmas was always a time for excitement. Decorating the tree together, taking turns selecting ornaments from the box and decking the bottom layer with the little plastic apple ornaments and bells  - the former out of tradition, the later to dissuade people from checking gifts before the big day. There was the slow trickle of gifts building up under the tree: from each other, from friends and finally, on the big day, from Santa. The lights on the tree would be turned on every evening, and we had to remember to unplug them before we went to bed.We would sing carols the night before, and it was always so hard to get to sleep. We'd wake up early, and tip-toe down the stairs - I was always careful to avert my gaze away from the Family Room, at the bottom of the stairs, so I didn't see any of the gifts Santa left before hand. Well, I did sneak a small peak. We'd wait in the Living Room, turn on some cartoon, and take out any toys that were underneath our full stockings. Mom told me later that the stockings were there to keep us entertained until she and Dad got up, but for us, opening stockings was another family event.

Once everyone was awake, the stockings were gone through and breakfast consumed, we would make our way to the Family Room where the tree, and all it's glorious presents, awaited. Someone, usually me or my sister, would pass out presents until everyone had something to open, and then we'd rip off the paper, and shriek and giggle and show off what we'd opened, then the next round began. As mine and my siblings gifts piled up next to us, it seemed sad that my parents got fewer presents. That mom was going "ooh, thank you" over a pair of leather gloves for driving on cold mornings. That dad went "Wow" over a hard-cover book.

The excitement over the holiday changed as I got to college, but I still decorated my room with my roommate(s), and one year I had to ask my dad for more money because I had gone over my semester's budget - the culprit, buying Christmas gifts for my friends (well, and poor money management skills, but we won't go into that here.)

Time has continued to march past and we have gone from live trees, to no tree, to finally caving and getting an artificial tree that we sometimes put up, and this year, haven't even decorated. Because we spend the holiday with either my family or my husbands it seems kind of silly to drag out the box of decorations, go through the pain of putting together our 4" artificial tree (literally - those brush-like branches are prickly!), and then keeping the cats from trying to eat said tree.

This year when people asked us what we want for Christmas, we said "nothing" and honestly meant it. Sure, there are things we want, and I've added items to my Amazon wish list - but nothing that I REALLY want, with that overwhelming desire that seems to be reserved for children. Nothing that I would be disappointed to not see under the tree on Christmas morning. Nothing that I know, just KNOW would make me happy, and I promise I'll use it, and I just gotta have one. And I finally get when my family and friends have said in the past "Don't get me anything." Until now their request was part of their budget constraint - they can't afford to do friend gifts, and don't want gifts in return. But my hubby and I love getting gifts for other people, so we'd ignore the protests of friends, of my brother and sister-in-law, and get them something small. Or better yet, a gift card- reasoning that it is not a *thing* per se, but money they can spend how they want.

In years past we've defaulted to asking for gift cards - there would be big-ticket items we knew we wanted (a TV from Best Buy; improvements we wanted to make to the house, but had to wait until we could afford), but we've had requests from families about ITEMS they could get us, since they feel weird showing up on Christmas morning with just a card. But this year, really, there just isn't anything.Well, not anything exciting, anyway. I asked my parents for a blender. Not the sexiest of gifts, I know, but our current blender still sees use even though it leaks from a crack in the bottom of the pitcher. The only other thing I really wanted was new bathmats - the old ones were wedding gifts and ten years of use has worn them out, but I didn't ask for those. I know I'll get them eventually, but the house will still run without them. So I finally get the "I don't want anything" mentality, because I'm feeling it this year. Our house is overflowing with stuff I don't need or use, that I dread going through, and sometimes I feel a little too materialistic, and I've come to terms with cutting down - but it hard to do when the spirit of giving is upon us.

And this year our tree stands on our table, bare of lights and decorations because we ended up spraying it with an animal replant called "Boundary" which I discovered must be reapplied every 24 hours, and I didn't want to spray the ornaments. But then we got lazy about spraying the tree (besides the spray smells enough to deter ME from getting too close) and I tossed a spare sheet over the tree to keep Abi from trying to eat the fake branches. I was overwhelmed as chair of our Holiday Party Planning Committee at work, and have pushed aside holiday responsibilities at home. For Christmas, Toby and I are getting ourselves a refrigerator. We were going to get something small to exchange on Christmas day, but I completely drew a blank on what to get him when I went to the mall this past Sunday. I had an idea that I could order on line, but somehow the month had slipped past me and any chance of it arriving before Christmas expired about 2 weeks ago.

I think that, perhaps in the 30 years I've understood the holiday, this is the most un-Christmasy Christmas season ever. And Toby has felt it too. And a few of my friends have also discussed how it doesn't feel like Christmas. Doesn't feel like holidays at all, except for the abundance of cookies and candy at the office (though noticeably less abundant than previous years). And we are wondering what we can do to bring excitement back to Christmas. I knowing we can't match the school-free days of build-up, even vicariously through children, as the only kids we know are my niece and nephews - one too young to understand the holidays, and all in distant cities. And heck, most of us still have to work Christmas-eve.

So next year we're going to try to tackle Christmas and make it feel like the season again. This year we're having a small, last-minute get together tonight to exchange gifts with friends, and then drive the 4 1/2 hours to South Florida on Christmas day, wondering what my in-laws will have gotten us when we asked for so little.

But next year, ah next year, I've already got ideas that I hope will help rekindle some of that excitement that I always associated with Christmas, and not just the "*shrug* it's another day" feeling that has underwhelmed me this year.

• Decorate the house the weekend after Thanksgiving. Even if we don't put up the tree, hang decorations and lights around the house to make it feel more festive.
• Stay at home for Christmas - don't make it a time to drive across the state, but enjoy being at home for at least one holiday. (Suggested to us by my boss's mother)
• Perhaps go on a Christmas trip- instead of visiting family on Christmas week - visit them sooner, then go on a trip for us, or with friends, to do something fun.Someplace that gets snow, perhaps?
• Respect others (and our own) wish for no friends-gifts (though I am quite envious of my friends who have crafty sides and are making gifts for other this year) - do a secret Santa or a gift-swap with friends - that way everyone only has to buy one small gift, and no one feels left out or awkward.
• Send Christmas cards - I have never really done this. I can't help but think that sending out seasonal holiday cheer to others will help us in realizing when Christmas is just around the corner.
• Plan a dinner in advance - a friends dinner with potluck meal, and a chance to just enjoy each others company before everyone goes their respective ways for Christmas proper. We could do the Secret Santa or gift-swap this day- and maybe even make cookies, or a gingerbread house or something.

Well, that's all I've got for now, but I've got almost 11 months to come up with more ideas and hopefully to begin to implement them, because while Christmas beginning Thanksgiving day and Halloween decorations being supplanted by Christmas stuff before the 31st of October annoy me, perhaps I can, with a  little advance planning, that rediscover the excitement of Christmas.

I have big plans.

It seems I always have big plans. It seems that every time I sit down to do something, there are half a dozen other things that are flitting around the back of my mind that I am not doing. But that I want to be doing. Or I think I SHOULD be doing. I'm trying to find a healthy way to let that go.

I've been in a half-bad mood for a little while now, and I know a lot of it stems from feeling like I'm not getting everything I want accomplished.

Even though I have no clear goals of what I want to get done, just vague ideas.

I would say I have no list of things to cross off, but of course that is a lie. There is always a list - anyone who knows me knows there must be a list. But I have no complete list of everything, so, with things that don't make it on the list (or in the inbox for sorting, as I'm trying for a second time to get started the Getting Things Done method), there are always the vague things that I want to do / think I should be doing that live and dance in the back of my mind, distracting me a little from whatever it is that I am doing (or trying to do).

I think part of the hardest part for me are the tasks that take time to accomplish. That require me setting aside time and chipping away little by little, because invariably, I find something that I can complete in that set-aside time and do that instead. Or I've put off doing this because there is no specific time that it needs to be accomplished - and I usurp my energy to something that has a more solid deadline. Or I dread even getting started because I know that when I get done with one session, there is so much stuff to do it won't even feel like I've made a dent. Or something comes up with my family or friends, and I opt to set aside the sorting of digital photos, for instance, to hang out in a last-minute "let's get together" moment.

I wonder (and this is the first time I've thought of it, so you get the benefit of seeing my thought process here, because normally I don't even try to think about the big goals I have for fear of being overwhelmed) if perhaps I should look at those big tasks, and set myself a goal a month. Or a two month goal, if the project is big. And then during that month (or two) I will set aside time to chip away at those big, looming goals, and either knock them off my list, or at least take a big chunk out of them.

If that is the case, then in December I will work to finish my NaNo WriMo novel, then start in with the other big projects in January (though I'm thinking perhaps I should have 1 writing goal, and one non-writing goal, because I should never stop thinking about writing - nor do I want to).

So, a brief list of non-writing goals that have been nagging at me (listed here so I can come back and divvy them up over 2010)

- identify/ name/ organize all our digital photos- deleting duplicates
- finding a program, and implementing it, that will allow me to add multiple tags to photos, and then tagging all digital photos
- scanning photos/ work with negatives - to make old photos digital - incorporate into existing photo organization system
- Cleaning out my e-mail boxes; reading all kept mail, deciding what can be discarded
- Researching my online presence - get rid of logins, etc I don't use, making sure I present the image online that I want
- Remake crushedmuffin.com
- Organize my papers - enter things I want to keep to my computer, and recycle the paper
- Organize my computer files, purge things I don't need, organize my "keep" items
- Go through / organize papers from school and my old journals - decide what to do with physical items
- Post to sell items - series of manga on e-bay; individual issues and books on Half.com / make sure current half listings are accurate

Well, those are the ones dancing closest to the surface of my thoughts, so that is a good preliminary list, at least. If I give each one a month, that is almost a year's worth, anyway.

I need new shoes. I have needed new shoes for a while, but I have finally come to the point where I am desperate. I hate shoe shopping. Right now my collection consists of:

• Nice black flats (my Dress Shoes) - purchased to replace my black heels (1") that I'd had since high school - worn only on special occasions, and with pantyhose
• Work flats - black - purchased originally to have slip-on shoes for plane travel; defaulted to replace my work-shoes - unfortunately these are a little snug, and don't fit with most of my socks. If I wear them and stand all day, or wear them more than a day in a row, they make the bottom of my heels hurt
• Sandals - nice, but not appropriate for the cold weather
• Walking Shoes - sturdy, used to work out, but not good for cold or damp weather, as most of the toe area is mesh
• Defunct work shoes - old, scuffed, and growing uncomfortable - I didn't get rid of these when I got the work flats b/c these fit with more of my socks. Beyond time to retire them, sadly
• Hiking boots- dusty from construction - sitting in my garage waiting to be cleaned
• slippers - for when the house is cold

I recently had to discard the following pairs of shoes:

• Converse- I'd worn through the padding on the heels, and destroyed some socks trying to wear these shoes
• My black heel-boots - the faux leather on these started cracking - another pair I've had since high school
• 2nd pair of slippers - unpleasant incident with a sick cat
• Blue/Green plaid Doc Martins - These were uncomfortable for me, but in good shape so I was considering selling them, but they met the same unfortunate fate as that second pair of slippers. Out they went

I want a more comfortable pair of work shoes, that fit with the socks I wear, and that I can wear more than one day in a row, and a pair of sneakers or other close-toed shoes that also work well in cold or rainy weather. I suppose I can make do with my hiking boots, but I feel weird wearing those to work, whereas if I get a good pair of sneakers, I can wear those. My sister has graciously offered to come shoe shopping with me this weekend, though I dread going out in the holiday shopping crowd, I'm forced to admit it is well beyond time, and console myself that maybe I'll find a good sale. *sigh*